


coke sniffers

by bakachan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Drug Use, Established Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou, Established Kozume Kenma/Yamamoto Taketora, Group chat, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, LITERALLY, M/M, Multi, Next Generation Captains (Haikyuu!!), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rare Pairings, Sex Talk, Slow Burn, Swearing, Underage Drinking, atsumu and sakusa might be added at some point, chatfic, cuz we need more of those huh, everyone is literally so open with eachother, get ready for everyone dating everyone, here I fucking go, idk we'll see, ill just add ship tags based on which relationships and flings pop up, im literally not against that, is there even a set plot to this, literally so many flings, mentions of background and past relationships - Freeform, no endgame relationships YET, vulgar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23554618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakachan/pseuds/bakachan
Summary: futabooty:yahaba, baby, you are absolutely GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, FUCKING ETHEREAL!! when have I ever led you to believe that I thought the opposite :((shirababy:what the fuck did I come back toteru-sama:yahababes and futa are trying to save their marriage obviously(k)akaashi:Am I the homewrecker?director-san:apparently so
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou, Ennoshita Chikara/Shirabu Kenjirou, Ennoshita Chikara/Terushima Yuuji, Futakuchi Kenji/Shirabu Kenjirou, Futakuchi Kenji/Yahaba Shigeru, Kozume Kenma/Yamamoto Taketora, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Shirabu Kenjirou/Yahaba Shigeru
Comments: 11
Kudos: 118





	1. yahaba gets fucking enlightened, shirabu enjoys every second

**Author's Note:**

> idek what inspired this, I think im still upset over the you know what as it resulted in my second years not getting the proper attention they deserve but anywho!
> 
> also, no relationships are set in stone or may even be more than just flings, i'll edit the pairing tag as more pairings are added on and when I think of endgames. im going to try to fit as many rare pairs in here as i can so >:))
> 
> tags have some warnings and then its literally just me talking to myself most of the time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> akaashi snorted cocaine once, seijohs secrets are revealed and terushima finds out that hes pregnant.

**teru-sama has added director-san, futabooty, yaha, shirababy, (k)akaashi and T(I)GER(OF THE) to the chat**

**shirababy:** no

 **teru-sama:** OH COME ONNN SHIRABOOOOBOO

 **shirababy:** never call me that ever again

 **director-san:** oh, is this a captains chat!

 **teru-sama:** yes sir!

 **yaha:** keep your kinks out of the chat please

 **shirababy:** why is that thing in here

 **yaha:** did you miss the part where it was said that this is a captains group chat

 **futabooty:** you just let him refer to you as “thing” like that?

 **teru-sama:** maybe its their... thing...

 **futabooty:** *gasp* yahashira (¬‿¬)

 **shirababy:** what the hell just came out your mouth

 **futabooty:** nothing, im not even speaking rn  
**futabooty:** im TYPING  
**futabooty:** T

 **yaha:** Y

 **futabooty:** P

 **shirababy:** i get it

 **yaha:** I

 **futabooty:** N

 **shirababy:** fucking hell  
**shirababy:** neither of you finish that off

 **teru-sama:** ...  
**teru-sama:** G

 **shirababy:** im leaving, good bye

_**shirababy has left the chat** _

**yaha:** my day has been made

 **(k)akaashi:** Hello.

 **director-san:** hey akaashi-kun!

 **futabooty:** pretty setter-kun!!! (ɔ^‿^)ɔ ♥

 **yaha:** excuse me

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** HEY GUYS

_**teru-sama has added shirababy to the chat** _

**shirababy:** please take me out of my misery

 **yaha:** no, suffer.

 **yaha:** futakuchi, dear.

 **futabooty:** yes honey!!

 **yaha:** why did I not receive the same greeting as akaashi-kun.

 **futabooty:** i-

 **yaha:** is it because you don’t find me pretty? is that why? 

**futabooty:** yahaba, baby, you are absolutely GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, FUCKING ETHEREAL!! when have I ever led you to believe that I thought the opposite :((

 **shirababy:** what the fuck did I come back to 

**teru-sama:** yahababes and futa are trying to save their marriage obviously 

**(k)akaashi:** Am I the homewrecker?

 **director-san:** apparently so

 **yaha:** akaashi-kun dont worry, I don’t hate you

 **futabooty:** do you hate me?? ύ.ὺ

 **yaha:** yes

 **futabooty:** unfair  
**futabooty:** I’ll make it up to you, I’m coming over

 **yaha:** you don’t even know where I live

 **futabooty:** yes I do

 **yaha:** no...you don’t

 **futabooty:** yes...I do  
**futabooty:** your libero gave me the address

 **yaha:** watari? when- how-

 **futabooty:** im kidding, he didn’t give it to me...YET.. i’ll just text him rn

 **yaha:** why do you even have his number

 **futabooty:**...

 **teru-sama:** oya?

 **(k)akaashi:** oya oya?

 **yaha:** Futakuchi Kenji.

 **futabooty:** aha, yknow what..um..I think I’m too busy to come over tonight so...

 **shirababy:** I can’t believe you deflowered seijohs libero

 **futabooty:** WH-  
**futabooty:** I DDINT-  
**futabooty:** WHA-

 **director-san:** words of a guilty man

 **futabooty:** LISTEN

 **yaha:** It's okay, Watari will tell me everything anyway. He always does.

 **shirababy:** except for this apparently 

**teru-sama:** yahababes using correct grammar is kinda hot ngl

 **yaha:** do i even know you

 **teru-sama:** noo dont stop youre so sexy ahaha

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** you miyagi dudes are weird ... I LIKE THAT

 **director-san:** never change yamamoto

 **(k)akaashi:** I have to ask...why is the group chat name 'coke sniffers'. Cocaine only worsens my anxiety.

 **shirababy:** ...

 **director-san:** a-akaashi-kun?

 **(k)akaashi:** Did I say something wrong?

 **teru-sama:** AKAASHI??!????  
**teru-sama:** WHY AND HOWW?? DO YOU KNWO THE EFFCETS OF COCAINE ON YOUR BODY??

 **(k)akaashi:** Oh, I realize what I said wrong.  
**(k)akaashi:** Just forget I even said anything.

 **yaha:** wha-

_**(k)akaashi has unsent a message** _

**teru-sama:** WAIITT NOO  
**teru-sama:** BRIGNG IT BCAKK  
**teru-sama:** AKAASHIII  
**teru-sama:** WE CAN BE STONER BUDDIES  
**teru-sama:** PLASEE

 **yaha:** plase

 **shirababy:** plase

 **yaha:** dont fucking copy me

 **shirababy:** please stop fucking existing

 **(k)akaashi:** Terushima-san, I live in Tokyo and you live all the way in Miyagi. I don't see how this would work.

 **director-san:** are you actually considering this

 **teru-sama:** its only an 82 hour walk

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** ONLY

 **teru-sama:** ANWAY I HAVE A WEEKLY ALLOWANCE SOO  
**teru-sama:** I CAN AFFORD THE TRAIN PASSES  
**teru-sama:** PLSS AKAASHI  
**teru-sama:** i think bobata has been stealing my weed and i need another blunt buddy

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** why woud hestael your wed??

 **director-san:** yamamoto youre typing too fast

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** oops!

 **teru-sama:** because hes cheap dirt!!

 **yaha:** woah now

 **(k)akaashi:** If we are really doing this, we would be using my weed. I'm sorry but I'm just taking precautions, I don't know where you received yours from.

 **teru-sama:** OH DUDE!1! Nah my guys completely trustworthy!! I have someone who can back me up on that!  
**teru-sama:** just ask oikawa-san!!

 **yaha:** what

 **shirababy:** pffttt

 **yaha:** terushima what did you just say

 **director-san:** well, i think its about time I take a shower

 **teru-sama:** yahababes!!! :)))) haha just forget I said anything!! haha! :)))))

 **shirababy:** im sorry i cant stop laughing

 **shirababy:** actually im not sorry at all

 **yaha:** 1\. Don't call me 'yahababes'.

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** ohh!

 **yaha:** 2\. I am going to count to 5 and if you dont bend to my will and answer my every question I will eat your children.

 **(k)akaashi:** That's kind of hot.

 **teru-sama:** you promise? (>‿o)

 **yaha:** 1

 **teru-sama:** wait-

 **yaha:** 2

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** Akaashi..did you just say that Yahaba eating children is.. hot...

 **yaha:** 3

 **(k)akaashi:** No, his threatening was hot.

 **teru-sama:** yahababes wait

 **yaha:** 4

 **teru-sama:** OKAYOK, ILL TELL YOU

 **yaha:** Everything?

 **teru-sama:** ...

 **yaha:** 4.5

 **teru-sama:** OKOK EVERYTHIN I KNOW

 **(k)akaashi:** How very generous of you, Yahaba-san. I wouldn't have given him that extra .5.

 **teru-sama:** *GASPPP*  
**teru-sama:** AKAASHI!!??!  
**teru-sama:** HOW DARE

 **director-san:** is no one going to mention how futakuchi really just up and left?

 **shirababy:** i didnt even notice he was gone tbh

 **futabooty:** eXVUSE ME  
**futabooty:** ROOOOD

 **shirababy:** have you really just been lurking this whole time, how sleazy

 **yaha:** Excellent, you're both here.  
**yaha:** Now spill

 **futabooty:** You knowww,,, im not sure wata-chan would appreciate his business being out there~~

 **teru-sama:** its too late bro, we have to tell him (╥﹏╥) my kids are in danger here

 **yaha:** 'Wata-chan' ...interesting.

 **teru-sama:** oKKK, so apparently hanamaki-san knows a guy right? cousins friend or something ┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓  
**teru-sama:** and he and matsukawa-san started smoking sometime their second year  
**teru-sama:** oikawa-san didnt start smoking until he found out that iwaizumi-san was doing it as well ＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）／  
**teru-sama:** and oikawa-san would go on and on about how stressful his 3rd year is so to pick up some of his stress he started this fwb relationship with matsukawa-san  
**teru-sama:** and then i think i remember him wanting it to turn into something more but im not sure that its actually happening...or if theyre still doing that fwb thing actually (´ー｀)  
**teru-sama:**...or if theyre even talking rn...IDK! i haven't had a chat with oikawa-san in a while! ヾ｜￣ー￣｜ﾉ  
**teru-sama:** and then this one time he almost got caught for skipping school with iwaizumi-san..  
**teru-sama:** and for giving matsukawa-san a blowjob behind the stairs! ヾ(＠＾▽＾＠)ﾉ

 **director-san:** ok...I think thats enough

 **teru-sama:** but yahababes said he wanted to know EVERYTHING ヽ(゜∇゜)ノ

 **yaha:** actually.. I-I think I heard enough

 **futabooty:** ...do you still want to know about the wata-chan thing?

 **yaha:** no thank you

 **futabooty:** hmmm  
**futabooty:** how about i just tell you anyway

 **shirababy:** futakuchi...i dont know what this feeling that just blossomed in my chest means but some might call it love

 **teru-sama:** that was lowkey poetic

 **yaha:** no..please

 **futabooty:** i dont know how much attention youve actually paid but your libero has a really nice ass

 **yaha:** someone stab me

 **shirababy:** gladly

 **yaha:** futakuchi, i will willingly pay you to stfu

 **futabooty:** ...pay me how?

 **yaha:** idk, ill suck your dick or something

 **futabooty:** as good as wata-chan?

 **yaha:** ive had enough

**_yaha has left the chat_ **

**shirababy:** futakuchi, i dont mind sucking your dick right here right now

 **futabooty:** you know where i live baby, pull up anytime

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** Are you guys really sexting in the groupchat right now ( ≖.≖) !?

 **shirababy:** ugh as if

**_shirababy has gone offline_ **

**director-san:** Cher Horowitz... o.o

 **futabooty:** ...kinda hurts ngl

* * *

**yaha:** do you have something to say for yourself?

 **wowwowwata:** um??

 **yaha:** well? go on.

 **wowwowwata:** im...sorry for...um..  
**wowwowwata:** im sorry i dont rlly know what im apologzing for  
**wowwowwata:** im sorry for having a nice ass?

 **yaha:** huh! so you think your ass is just delectable, huh?

 **wowwowwata:** i mean..

 **yaha:** what??? did FUTAKUCHI tell you that it was?!?

 **wowwowwata:** ...

 **yaha:** go on! continue with what you were saying!!

 **wowwowwata:** oh so thats what this is about

 **yaha:** yes!! why didnt you tell me? i had to find out through that snake!

 **wowwowwata:** huh, snake does seem to be the appropriate term for him  
**wowwowwata:** and im not talking about his personality

 **yaha:** wh-  
**yaha:** WHA  
**yaha:** GROSS  
**yaha:** SHINJI WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
**yaha:** THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT  
**yaha:** CORRUPTING YOU  
**yaha:** AND NOW YOURE NO LONGER THE INNOCENT WATARI SHINJI I USED TO KNOW

 **ruffbitch:** why the FUCK are you screaming at 2 in the morning

 **yaha:** ...  
**yaha:** I thought this was...  
**yaha:** private chat...

 **ruffbitch:** yeah? well you thought wrong, as usual

 **yaha:** WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

 **ruffbitch:** WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SCREAMING AT ME??!?

 **wowwowwata:** you two are embarrassing

 **ruffbitch:** whats embarrassing is having to hear about datekous captains slimy dick, smh unnecessary

 **yaha:** what!? you wanna fuck futakuchi too?!!

 **ruffbitch:** WHEN AND WHERE DID I SAY THAT?

 **yaha:** LOOK WHOS YELLING AT ME NOW

 **wowwowwata:** this is nice

* * *

**teru-sama:** guys...I think im pregnant

 **shirababy:** stop right there

 **futabooty:** im...im going to be an aunt?

 **(k)akaashi:** It would seem so.

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** UMM?? ACTUALLY I DONT THINK THATS POSSIBLE?? YOUD BE AN UNCLE NOT AN AUNT!!

 **director-san:** thats what youre correcting..

 **teru-sama:** im serious!!  
**teru-sama:** look!  
**teru-sama:** attached image.jpg  
**teru-sama:** NAUSEA? CHECK  
**teru-sama:** HEADACHES? CHECK  
**teru-sama:** MOOD SWINGS?? CHECK!  
**teru-sama:** CRAVINGS? IVE BEEN CRAVING MORE DICK THAN USUAL SO YEAH, CHECK

 **shirababy:** oh god

 **teru-sama:** MY TIDDIES HAVE BEEN FEELING REAL TENDER LATELY!!

 **(k)akaashi:** Go on.

 **teru-sama:** AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF  
**teru-sama:** I HAVENT GOTTEN MY PERIOD  
**teru-sama:** SOOO I THINK THE ANSWERS PRETTY OBVIOUS HERE DONT YOU THINK

 **(k)akaashi:** I can't help but wonder who the father is.

 **shirababy:** pls don't encourage this

 **futabooty:** dude... i cant believe youre really pregnant ( Ĭ ^ Ĭ )

 **director-san:** I dont believe it either..

 **teru-sama:** yahababes...i dont know if you were joking or not but please dont eat my child i beg of you

 **yaha:** why the fuck was i added back to the chat

 **shirababy:** so you can suffer with me

 **futabooty:** suffering together...how romantic

 **(k)akaashi:** 96k words, slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, enemies to friends to lovers.

 **futabooty:** holy shit marry me

 **(k)akaashi:** No thanks, I'm taken.

 **director-san:** im also taken  
**director-san:** for granted

 **futabooty:** are you dating that old captain of yours with the big titties (◑_◑)

 **(k)akaashi:** No.

 **futabooty:** oh  
**futabooty:** so what im hearing is that hes single..

 **shirababy:** you are a literal whore you realize that right

 **futabooty:** i actually prefer the term cock slut (′ꈍωꈍ‵)

 **(k)akaashi:** If a large penis is what you're looking for, I recommend our old MB, Washio Tatsuki.

 **director-san:** how do you-

 **(k)akaashi:** Locker rooms.

 **futabooty:** akaashi is a peeping tom...good to know

 **(k)akaashi:** I'd hardly call it peeping if everywhere you turn there's a penis in your face.

 **shirababy:** true

 **yaha:** yeah, youre the literal size of a child so it must be worse for you right?

 **shirababy:** slit your throat i will

 **director-san:** shirabu you've been making a lot of movie references lately and my traitorous, film-loving heart can't help but race under the impression that we may have something in common

 **teru-sama:** whats up with everyone being poets lately?  
**teru-sama:** but are you guys really just going to ignore my legitimate problem??  
**teru-sama:** to talk about COCK???!

 **yaha:** why couldnt you just say dick

 **teru-sama:** i dont roll that way .=^.^=

 **T(I)GER(OF THE):** ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE ENNOSHITAS CUTE LITTLE HEARTFELT CONFESSION?

 **director-san:** yes  
**director-san:** if you'll excuse me, i am going to go pour boiling water on my body

 **futabooty:** oh? let me pour it for you baby

 **director-san:**  
**director-san:** if you'll excuse me, i am going to go pour boiling water on futakuchis body

 **yaha:** what did i say about keeping kinks out of the chat

 **(k)akaashi:** Funny how Shirabu-san has been quiet since.

 **shirababy:** Akaashi-kun! (✿^‿^) the more you talk! (✿^‿^) the more i don't like you!(✿^‿^)

 **teru-sama:** shirabu using emoticons has awakened something in me  
**teru-sama:** and its not the baby im currently carrying

 **yaha:** I am BEGGING you, stop talking.

 **teru-sama:** guess whos not fucking invited to the baby shower

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`▭´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

 **shirababy:** god i hope its me

 **teru-sama:** i dont want your negative energy around my child!

 **(k)akaashi:** It's okay Terushima-san, I will be the bouncer and make sure they don't make it in.

 **teru-sama:** bless your kind soul akaashi (╯✧ ∇ ✧)╯

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know how this chapter ended up being longer than it was supposed to be but i already have some stuff written out in my head and typing out the second chapter now 0.0 its just so fun to write these boys


	2. teru reveals his baby daddy and ennoshita sells his soul to an incubus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> terushima finds out who his baby daddy is, the captains plan terushimas funeral and futakuchi tries to prove ennoshitas innocence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha...hello, it's been a while
> 
> im going to be honest, i forgot the majority of whatever outline i had for this story back in april so i did scrap a few things out and sobered things down a bit because I realize I was delirious with no sleep when I was planning it out back then

**yaha:** wait so seriously watari  
 **yaha:** you actually had sex with futakuchi

 **wowwowwata:** yeah? i dont see the big deal?

 **yaha:** its just-  
 **yaha:** i feel like a parent who just watched their child grow up right before their eyes 

**wowwowwata:** you are one month older than me

 **yaha:** exactly!  
 **yaha:** huff

 **wowwowwata:** or maybe youre just...jealous

 **yaha:** what is there for me to be jealous of/??

 **wowwowwata:** a lot of things actually  
 **wowwowwata:** my nice ass  
 **wowwowwata:** me, because i had sex with futakuchi  
 **wowwowwata:** my ass again

 **yaha:** im not jealous of you having sex with futakuchi??  
 **yaha:** i couldnt care LESS

 **wowwowwata:** so stop freaking out...

 **yaha:** i cant help but be worried!!  
 **yaha:** youre my best friend, im just concerned about futakuchi hurting you

 **wowwowwata:** ok so first of all, sweet  
 **wowwowwata:** second of all, if futakuchi ever hurts me its because i ASKED for it  
 **wowwowwata:** THIRD of all...futakuchi wasnt even my first so..

 **yaha:** first what?

 **wowwowwata:** ...

 **yaha:** oh  
 **yaha:** OH-  
 **yaha:** WAIT  
 **yaha:** WHOM

 **wowwowwata:** i need to walk my dog! see you at practice

 **yaha:** WAIT  
 **yaha:** WATARI  
 **yaha:** YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW  
 **yaha:** ...  
 **yaha:** wait a minute..  
 **yaha:** you don't even HAVE a dog  
 **yaha:** fake ass..

* * *

**teru-sama:** guys i think i might know who the father is

 **shirababy:** dear god..

 **yaha:** are we still on this...

 **director-san:** it has literally been almost three weeks, whats with the sudden revelation

 **futabooty:** hurry up and tell me who my in-law is!! o(-`д´- o)

 **teru-sama:** alright hold on im not exactly sure so im gonna drop a list from lowest to highest possibility

 **(k)akaashi:** A list.

 **teru-sama:** dont slut shame me ( ﾉ Д `)  
 **teru-sama:**  
5.inko, shes a girl...unless things suddenly reversed??!!?!  
4.bobata, hes the lowest possibility since he just sucked my dick so last time i checked you cant get pregnant through oral   
3.sugawara-san, it was a while ago soo??  
2.hanamaki-san, high chance high chance  
1.dai-kun, the prime suspect 

**director-san:** im sorry say that again?

 **shirababy:** "unless things suddenly reversed" ...

 **teru-sama:** anyway, idk how to break it to dai-kun that he might be a father??

 **futabooty:** nice and slow, dont just spring it on him

 **director-san:** wait-

 **yahaba:** ... once again learning new things about my senpais..

 **shirababy:** I think ennoshita has it worse right now..

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** ENNOSHITA YOU GOOD MAN?

**director-san:**   
**director-san:**   
**director-san:**

**shirababy:** hes broken

 **futabooty:** shirabu go and check on your boyfriend

 **shirababy:** first its yahaba and now its ennoshita, stop throwing me around

 **(k)akaashi:** Those don't sound like words of denial.

 **shirababy:** Akaashi... (✿^‿^)

 **yaha:** terushima, you should record sawamura-san when you tell him!

 **(k)akaashi:** That would be amusing, yes.

 **futabooty:** akaashi youre a sadist arent you

 **(k)akaashi:** Whatever do you mean?

 **teru-sama:** ohh okay and ill post it online so my friends and family can see!

 **shirababy:** this stunt has gone on for far too long

 **teru-sama:** why is ennoshita so quiet

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Maybe he finds it a bit jarring to find out that you had sex with not one but two of his senpai...maybe, just a guess.

 **futabooty:** yamamoto thats the calmest ive seen you type

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** im not tora  
 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** the notifications from this chat are distracting me

**_T(I)GER (OF THE) has left the chat_ **

**futabooty:** wh-

 **(k)akaashi:** I believe that may have been Kozume-san.

 **yaha:** who..

 **shirababy:** nekomas main setter right? hmm

 **yaha:** mmm

 **teru-sama:** uh-oh, setter complex coming in

 **shirababy:** shut up

 **teru-sama:** yes daddy

 **yaha:** youre an embarrasement 

**teru-sama:** i know! ≧-≦

* * *

**futabooty:** dont do anything rash..

 **director-san:** no im just-

 **futabooty:** enraged? shocked? terrified? 

**director-san:** confused?

 **futabooty:** ??? about??  
 **futabooty:** the number of bitches terushima pulls? understandable 

**director-san:** no? i mean maybe? i guess??  
 **director-san:** what exactly is it that drew daichi-san to terushima and not-  
 **director-san:** i mean

 **futabooty:** oh

 **director-san:** i guess the largest feeling in me right now IS horrification

 **futabooty:** is there something you want to tell me oh young one?

 **director-san:** not really no

 **futabooty:** a wise person once told me that talking it out helps those nasty feelings out of your system

 **director-san:** hmmm just forget i said anything

 **futabooty:** hard to forget when its right there..

**_director-san has unsent a message_ **

**futabooty:** ah, i provoked you to do that didnt i

 **director-san:** its whatever, im over it  
 **director-san:** the crush i mean  
 **director-san:** cuz thats all it was

 **futabooty:** hmm

 **director-san:** and it was more of an admiration for my senpai than anything so

 **futabooty:** yes...but it still kind of hurts doesnt it?

 **director-san:** ...

 **futabooty:** hey at least it was most likely a one time thing  
 **futabooty:** ....  
 **futabooty:** ennoshita?

 **director-san:** im going to terushimas house

 **futabooty:** wait-   
**futabooty:** wait why???  
 **futabooty:** chikara! remember! dont do anything rash!!

 **director-san:** no promises

 **futabooty:** ah terushimas going to die isnt he 

* * *

**futabooty:** rip terushima, he will be missed

 **teru-sama:** ♪ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ ???

 **shirababy:** finally, something good is happening

 **yaha:** ill organize the wake and burial  
 **yaha:** akaashi will organize the service

 **(k)akaashi:** Terushima-san, what music would you like to be played at your _sōshiki_?

 **teru-sama:** what is happening  
 **teru-sama:** wap by cardi b and meg thee stallion

 **futabooty:** cant you pick something more classy?  
 **futabooty:** only by nicki minaj

 **teru-sama:** excuse me, whos funeral service is this?? (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

 **yaha:** fergalicious by fergie is obviously the only choice

 **shirababy:** basic  
 **shirababy:** work it, missy elliott

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** whats with the weird western music?!?!??

 **futabooty:** yamamoto... your display name..

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Kuroo-san pickked it out for me! Whhy?? Is it a song???

 **futabooty:** you have much to learn

 **shirababy:** id direct you to ennoshita but who knows where he is right now

 **yaha:** plotting murder probably

 **futabooty:** why do you say that..

 **yaha:** uh- terushima did things to TWO of his senpai

 **teru-sama:** who said THEY didnt do things to ME

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°,)

 **shirababy:** and he also did things with one of your senpais, whats your excuse?

 **yaha:** eh? who said i wasnt planning something myself??

 **teru-sama:** why do i feel like theres a red dot on my forehead rn

 **(k)akaashi:** I wouldn't fault Ennoshita-san and Yahaba-san on attacking Terushima-san.

 **teru-sama:** akaashiiii!?!? i thought we were best friends after last weekkk

 **(k)akaashi:** I don't remember saying that.

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** What was last week???

 **teru-sama:** we had a romantic date under the stars

 **(k)akaashi:** We smoked cannabis in my room.

 **teru-sama:** thats not how i remember it

 **(k)akaashi:** You also don't remember prank calling Kuroo-san then?

 **teru-sama:** aha no that was funny  
 **teru-sama:** except for the part where he came over and stayed and took all your attention from me (˘̩̩̩̩̩̩∩˘̩̩̩̩̩̩ )-

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** OK! I LOOKED UP SOME WESTERN SONGS AND I THINK TERUSHIMA SHOULD PLAY BABY GOT BACK AT HIS FUNERAL 

**teru-sama:** WAIT!! I JUST REALIZED!! I CANT DIE YET!! MY CHILD??? ε=ε= ε=(ﾉTдT)ﾉ

 **shirababy:** what unfortunate circumstances

 **yaha:** you know damn well those look like dicks...

 **teru-sama:** yahababes   
**teru-sama:** at least wait till i tell the father  
 **teru-sama:** that way he could at least avenge me

 **yaha:** bold of you to assume he would even care

 **teru-sama:** bold of you to assume he wouldnt

Terushima looked up from his phone, confused when he heard his doorbell ring. Groaning in annoyance at the fact that he had to leave the comfort of his bed and entertain an unexpected guess, he made his way downstairs, making a silly face at his cockatiel when he passed his cage.

"I'm coming!" He yelled when the person on the other side of the door resorted to banging on it, "jeez..." He yanked open the door only to freeze when he came face to face with Ennoshita.

Ennoshitas hair was disheveled -by the wind or his hands, Terushima didn't know- his puffed-out cheeks were stained red, tired eyes filled with determination, and with a start, Terushima remembered the chat conversation.

"Ennoshita...Ennoshita...I know you're mad at me right now but please don't kill me! Think about the baby!"

"What," Ennoshita blinked back in surprise," I'm not here to kill you? I just- can I come inside?"

The blonde captain squinted his eyes in suspicion but let him in regardless. He watched as Ennoshita toed off his shoes, murmured "pardon the intrusion" and led him to the living room.

"So, what do I owe the pleasure...", Terushima sat down on an armchair, never taking his eyes off the other in case of a sudden attack. Terushima noted that with every passing second, Ennoshita looked nervous or even _lost_ which was weird.

 _Maybe he came here for something else? Guidance? Why of course, it only made sense. I'm obviously the wisest one of the group,_ Terushima thought smugly.

He bought his hand up in assured nonchalance, "it's okay, take all the time you need. I'll be here all nigh-"

"What did you do? To get Daichi-san's attention I mean." Terushima widened his eyes, not expecting that question at all.

Ennoshita looked away unable to meet Terushimas' eyes any longer, "I mean...how did you get him to..y'know..." 

"Oh..I just did?" A confused laugh made its way out of his throat, "do you want me to give you a step by step?"

Ennoshita groaned as he slid on the cushion next to Terushima, "Noo, I just . . . don't get it." 

"Get what?" And like a light bulb went off in his head, " _oh._ "

"Ah-ah! Don't say anything! I'm over it, I know I am. I'm just- I don't know why I came here." Ennoshita moved to get up, "sorry I wasted your time."

Terushima jumped into action, grabbing the other's wrist to stop him from going any further. "Wait! Uh," he racked his head for ideas on how to get the Karasuno captain to stay, "I'll...show you!" An enthusiastic grin pulling at his face.

"Eh?"

Terushima let his smile turn a bit soft as he tugged Ennoshita closer to him. He raised his free hand, thumbing at Ennoshitas' right cheek and letting it slide down to gently grasp his chin. Ennoshita is _pretty_ , Terushima concludes, with his half-lidded eyes and rosy cheeks. He especially looked cute with confusion painted so comely on his face.

"Hmmm," he crooned, "let me show you just how irresistible I am, Ennoshita-kun." 

That made Ennoshita freeze. "You-you mean..." he trailed off in disbelief.

"Yeah, you don't have to do anything. Just let me make _you_ feel good, I promise I'm real good at it." Terushima winked but otherwise waited for Ennoshitas' decision. In Terushimas' ideal world, Ennoshita would say yes, but if he said no, he'd drop it with no issue. He watched in rapt attention as wide-eyed Ennoshita chewed on his bottom lip. They had just a few inches of space between them so Terushima could see clearly as Ennoshitas breath caught in his throat when his thumb started rubbing his wrist.

And finally, like a man whos been without air for far too long, Ennoshita gave his answer, a breathy little "ok" that enabled Terushima to take the next step.

* * *

**shirababy:** um ennoshita?  
 **shirababy:** youre not answering so im just going to assume youre sleeping  
 **shirababy:** or watching a movie  
 **shirababy:** or outside  
 **shirababy:** putting in some extra volleyball practice?  
 **shirababy:** anyway, dont bother with terushima  
 **shirababy:** if youre bothered by that  
 **shirababy:** which you shouldnt be  
 **shirababy:** ...  
 **shirababy:** this is awkward so im just gonna go..  
 **shirababy:** ...  
 **shirababy:** image.jpg

* * *

**yaha:** er did terushima die?

 **shirababy:** probably went and told sawamura-san and got pelted to australia or something

 **(k)akaashi:** Lets hope.

 **yaha:** damn akaashi

 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** hm maybe..  
 **futabooty:** someone should call him..

 **shirababy:** why? hes a big boy he can take care of himself

 **futabooty:** yes but im concerned   
**futabooty:** what if he really did you know..  
 **futabooty:** DIE

 **yaha:** why would he suddenly..

 **(k)akaashi:** You know, Ennoshita-san hasn't been present since earlier today. Maybe that has something to do with Terushima-sans absence?

 **futabooty:** haha i doubt it, ennoshitas crazy but not THATT crazy  
 **futabooty:** ahahaa  
 **futabooty:** ha..  
 **futabooty:** why the hell is no one laughing with me

 **shirababy:** i despise saying this but akaashi is right

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Hmmmn so Ennoshitas the main suspect!

 **futabooty:** NO!

 **yaha:** futakuchi what are you trying so hard to hide..

 **(k)akaashi:** He obviously knows something.

 **futabooty:** I DONT!! I PROMISE!!  
 **futabooty:** GUYSSS

 **shirababy:** burn the witch

 **futabooty:** WHATTT!!

 **yaha:** if anyones the witch here its you shirabu

 **shirababy:** stop speaking

 **yaha:** make me

 **futabooty:** woah pack it up wattpad

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Futakuchi have you noticed that whenever you lie you use caps lock!

 **futabooty:** I-

 **(k)akaashi:** Astute observation Yamamoto-san, I'm impressed. I'll tell Kozume-san to reward you well.

 **yaha:** oh?

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Im-

**_T(I)GER (OF THE) is offline_ **

**futabooty:** haha pro gamer move

 **shirababy:** youre still not off the hook

 **futabooty:** damn

* * *

**futabooty:** ennoshita man im trying to save your butt here  
 **futabooty:** answer this message and ill be your go-to witness for court i promise  
 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** ennoshita  
 **futabooty:** ah, you are guilty then  
 **futabooty:** i think this goes without saying but um  
 **futabooty:** I regret to inform you that I will not be accompanying you in jail, youre on your own this time  
 **futabooty:** (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀ )

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most ive written in a while (most productive ive been i believe) and it may be crack but im honestly proud that I was able to sit down and finish this chapter (though I did get distracted many times but I pulled myself back in, take that adhd!)
> 
> hmmm not enough emoticons this chapter..


	3. futakuchi becomes the ceo of the ennoteru ship and the captains figure out that they're all furries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ennoshita enlists in futakuchi for help, yamamoto is a scar apologist and shirabu proves that hes ushijimas number one simp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the cracktivities begin

**director-san:** i did something rash  
 **director-san:** also, if i did go to jail for killing him youll be following either as an accomplice or for negligent homicide

 **futabooty:** ENNOSHITA CHIKARA WHERE THE HELLLLL HAVE YOOU BEEEEN??!!  
 **futabooty:** and how so????!??!?

 **director-san:** the only reason that I was able to make it to his house was because you sent me his address a few weeks back for his get together  
 **director-san:** but thats besides the point right now  
 **director-san:** im kind of freaking out  
 **director-san:** I did something  
 **director-san:** and I got a cute message  
 **director-san:** and now I feel guilty  
 **director-san:** but that something I did was really good at the time so it makes it hard to be guilty??  
 **director-san:** but then I look at the message again and I feel like puking???

 **futabooty** : okok calm down  
 **futabooty** : first tell me the something you did  
 **futabooty** : you didnt bury terushima alive did you?

 **director-san:** ...  
 **director-san:** no..

 **futabooty:** hmm did you hit him in the head with a pot?

 **director-san:** what

 **futabooty:** push him into oncoming traffic??

 **director-san:** I didnt hurt terushima!!

 **futabooty** : oh good  
 **futabooty:** or bummer..  
 **futabooty:** but it is terushima related isnt it? you went to his house

 **director-san:** ..yes..

 **futabooty:** ok??  
 **futabooty:** im waiting

 **director-san:** I-  
 **director-san:** *sigggh*  
 **director-san:** idk how to say this  
 **director-san:** I feel so dirty

 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** wait..  
 **futabooty:** dont tell me..  
 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** YOU???  
 **futabooty:** AND HIM??????

 **director-san:**   
**director-san:** ..yes??

 **futabooty:** i think im going to pass out  
 **futabooty:** ennoshita, tell me youre lying

 **director-san:** ...

 **futabooty:** i-  
 **futabooty:** i dont know whether to congratulate you or scold you 

**director-san:** you could do both

 **futabbooty:** wait.. so like .. you guys went all the way?  
 **futabooty:** like.. he put his dick in your ass all the way??

 **director-san:** jesus  
 **director-san:** no futakuchi

 **futabooty:** so what exactly did you guys do..

 **director-san:** ...  
 **director-san:** do you want everything in full detail or something

 **futabooty:** no  
 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** yes

 **director-san:** pervert

 **futabooty:** excuse ME!?!?  
 **futabooty:** IM not the one that went over to someones house to kill them after finding out they had sex with my senpais only to have sex with them instead!!  
 **futabooty:** and lets not forget you used to have a crush on one of said senpai  
 **futabooty:** what kind of kink is that anyway

 **director-san:** first of all!  
 **director-san:** I never went over to 'kill him' in the first place  
 **director-san:** second of all!!!  
 **director-san:** it did not escalate in whatever dumb porn movie way youre thinking!!  
 **director-san:** third of all!!!!!  
 **director-san:** it wasnt a crush  
 **director-san:** it was simply ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*admiration*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

 **futabooty:** putting sparkles around a word doesnt make it the truth 

**director-san:** hush  
 **director-san:** ...  
 **director-san:** ok so we basically..  
 **director-san:** I mean.  
 **director-san:** it was basically just..oral..

 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** thats it?

 **director-san:** yes! what do you mean 'thats it?'

 **futabooty:** hmm idk you seem like youre withholding more information from me..

 **director-san:** how do you even figure that-

 **futabooty:** idk my bullshit detector is tingling... ( ≖.≖)

 **director-san:** what.

 **futabooty:** and my ennoshita senses are tingling too (つ▀¯▀)つ  
 **futabooty:** i can tell when youre hiding something  
 **futabooty:** you have your tells  
 **futabooty:** your eyes jump around  
 **futabooty:** you rub your nose

 **director-san:** you cant even see me right now

 **futabooty:** but im right arent i

 **director-san:** I-  
 **director-san:** ok  
 **director-san:** ok   
**director-san:** I let him fuck my thighs

 **futabooty:** !!!

 **director-san:** are you satisfied now

 **futabooty:** !!!!!!!!

 **director-san:** doubling your exclamation marks does not answer the question

 **futabooty:** this is very exciting news ennoshita  
 **futabooty:** yes yes  
 **futabooty:** very exciting indeed

 **director-san:** whos talking right now, you or your dick?

 **futabooty:** wha-  
 **futabooty:** HOW LOW DO YOU THINK OF ME!?!? ( º言º)

**director-san:**

**futabooty:** i am just-  
 **futabooty:** seriously appalled??  
 **futabooty:** you think im the type of person to sit here and pop a boner while their friend talks about their sexual escapades! (⋋▂⋌)  
 **futabooty:** HUFF  
 **futabooty:** how- thats just-  
 **futabooty:** i have no words!! (⁎˃ᆺ˂)

 **director-san:** futakuchi

 **futabooty:** no no i dont want your meaningless apologies  
 **futabooty:** why dont you just stomp on my heart some more huh??

 **director-san:** shirabu sent me a picture of bunnies

 **futabooty:** i seriously cannot believe that you think of me as some-  
 **futabooty:** some degenerate!! (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞  
 **futabooty:** honestly i can take anything   
**futabooty:** but this!!? ლಠ益ಠ)ლ

 **director-san:** FUTAKUCHI  
 **director-san:** did you even see what i sent??

 **futabooty:** what/ the thing about me being a PERVERT or the one about shirabu sending you a picture of bunnies??  
 **futabooty:** ...  
 **futabooty:** wait why did he send you a picture of bunnies again?

 **director-san:** remember..  
 **director-san:** how i told you..  
 **director-san:** about.. you know..

 **futabooty:**  
 **futabooty:** first you insult my perfectly normal teenage hormonal libido

 **director-san:** so you did get a boner then..

 **futabooty:** AND NOW  
 **futabooty:** youre insulting my comprehension skills?? seriously ennoshita are you speaking in code? how do you expect me to understand what youre saying Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)

 **director-san:** ughh  
 **director-san:** remember how I told you that shirabu and I were..  
 **director-san:** "talking"

 **futabooty:** talking  
 **futabooty:** yes friends usually do talk to eachother dont they

 **director-san:** you KNOW what I mean  
 **director-san:** yesterday while I was..  
 **director-san:** busy with things or whatever

 **futabooty:** busy getting your ass ate or whatever

 **director-san:** that DID NOT happen  
 **director-san:** anyway, shirabu sent me a text basically telling me not to bother about the whole terushima thing and he kind of sounded worried and then!! he sent me a picture of bunnies because he remembered that night I told him over the phone that bunnies calm me down and?? thats kind of cute as hell? and- I kind of feel like I-  
 **director-san:** idk like I cheated or something?!!? futakuchi!! what do I do!!

 **futabooty:** hmm

 **director-san:** omg, I cant believe I cheated?? holy shit??

 **futabooty:** ennoshita

 **director-san:** what type of scumbag am I?? and shirabus so sweet??

 **futabooty:** sweet...are we talking about the same shirabu.. 

**director-san:** im not cut out to be a boyfriend at all??? how could I just cheat without a second thought like that??

 **futabooty:** BUT  
 **futabooty:** are you guys even dating? (⎺ ⎽ ⎻)

 **director-san:** .. no..

 **futabooty:** see problem solved there was NO cheating  
 **futabooty:** although..  
 **futabooty:** man.. poor little shirabus heart when he hears about this  
 **futabooty:** tut-tut  
 **futabooty:** i can just imagine how heartbroken he would be when he finds out the guy he potentially likes is leaving him for another man..  
 **futabooty:** i would be pissed too

 **director-san:** ?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!???  
 **director-san:** first of all, fuck you  
 **director-san:** second of all, im not 'leaving' him to go to terushima  
 **director-san:** it was just a one time thing and it wont happen again  
 **director-san:** third of all, fuck you

 **futabooty:** woah woah woah..whats with the double fuck you?（Ω Д Ω）

 **director-san:** arent you supposed to make me feel better or something?

 **futabooty:** idk man just telling it like it is.. didnt know you wanted me to sugar coat it

 **director-san:** I just-  
 **director-san:** idk, this seems like something that youd usually do so I thought I was safe..  
 **director-san:** no offense

 **futabooty:** he slut shames me and then expects me to take no offense  
 **futabooty:** nah im kidding, youre absolutely right  
 **futabooty:** which is EXACTLY why im being hard on you  
 **futabooty:** youre supposed to be better than me ennoshita smh ಠ_ಠ

 **director-san:** so.. what do I do  
 **director-san:** about the shirabu thing

 **futabooty:** hmm what i personally would do  
 **futabooty:** not tell him d=(´▽｀)=b  
 **futabooty:** what he doesnt know wont kill him  
 **futabooty:** besides you said it was a one time thing right?  
 **futabooty:** buttt if its really itching at you then you can just tell him.. if you want  
 **futabooty:** granted shirabus kind of stubborn and petty so will he take your word for it when you say it wont happen again? who knows? do you guys have that kind of built up mutual trust already?   
**futabooty:** my guess is no  
 **futabooty:** but also remember, you guys arent dating so you dont OWE him an explanation for anything   
**futabooty:** you can mingle about youre still a free man  
 **futabooty:** live young and free ennoshita

 **director-san:** ...  
 **director-san:** that..  
 **director-san:** was kind of more than what I was looking for but also just enough?? with just the right amount of 'fuck it' attitude that I expected from you??  
 **director-san:** huh

 **futabooty:** why are you surprised that i can be wise at times?! (>д<)

 **director-san:** no no, not just that  
 **director-san:** im pleasantly surprised  
 **director-san:** youre not as hopeless as I thought futakuchi

 **futabooty:** do you want me to take that as a compliment or an insult..

 **director-san:** both  
 **director-san:** hmm thanks by the way  
 **director-san:** now I have to go convince the others that im not a murderer..?

 **futabooty:** and text back shirbau

 **director-san:** .. and text back shirabu

 **futabooty:** and terushima?

 **director-san:** why??

 **futabooty:** idk man you know how terushima is   
**futabooty:** im surprised he hasnt told the group about your lil sex sesh yet

 **director-san:** !!!

 **futabooty:** also I know hes all 'hit it and quit it' but you didnt exactlyyy tell me how things went down and i swear ennoshita if you somehow led that boy into thinking this was going to be some new fwb thing after insistently saying it wasnt going to happen again..

 **director-san:** I-  
 **director-san:** I didnt!!

 **futabooty:** idk.. terushima language yknow

 **director-san:** omg  
 **director-san:** shit  
 **director-san:** fuck shit

 **futabooty:** as amusing as it is seeing you lose your shit  
 **futabooty:** you should go clear things up or whatever

 **director-san:** shit okay yeah, I should do that  
 **director-san:** thanks futakuchi 

**futabooty:** no thank YOU

 **director-san:** for what

 **futabooty:** idk trusting me with your secret  
 **futabooty:** dont make me get all sappy dude

 **director-san:** but sappy futakuchi is 100x times better than jerk futakuchi ٩(๑> ₃ <)۶♥

 **futabooty:** did you just-  
 **futabooty:** use a kaomoji for the first time-

 **director-san:** its not a big deal

 **futabooty:** thats where youre wrong ennoshita!! Σ(ಸ‿ಸ)  
 **futabooty:** hmm maybe terushima is a good influence on you...

 **director-san:** no

 **futabooty:** idkk my money is on terushima winning now

 **director-san:** winning WHAT??!  
 **director-san:** you know what, nvm

 **futabooty:** your heart.. （´・｀ ）♡

 **director-san:** goodbye futakuchi

 **futabooty:** wait (´∩｀。)

* * *

**teru-sama:** yoohoo!

 **director-san:** terushima  
 **director-san:** I was actually just about to text you haha

 **teru-sama:** oh worm?  
 **teru-sama:** i actually forgot to ask you something before you left last night

 **director-san:** hmm?

 **teru-sama:** you wanted to keep this a secret right?

 **director-san:**  
 **director-san:** wait im sorry what?

 **teru-sama:** i mean would you prefer it if the others didnt know about it  
 **teru-sama:** like if this was something you wanted to be reserved about

 **director-san:** oh  
 **director-san:** yeah thats what I thought you meant  
 **director-san:** that is..  
 **director-san:** surprisingly considerate of you..  
 **director-san:** um  
 **director-san:** yeah I actually would prefer if it didnt just randomly pop up in conversation in the chat haha

 **teru-sama:** yeah i had a feeling but i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page ٩( ᐛ )و  
 **teru-sama:** so what was it that you wanted to tell me

 **director-san:** uh  
 **director-san:** where did I say I wanted to tell you something?

 **teru-sama:** literally a few messages ago

 **director-san:** hmm weird I dont remember that  
 **director-san:** ANYWAY  
 **director-san:** um last night was  
 **director-san:** okay, or cool or whatever

 **teru-sama:** eh just okay?  
 **teru-sama:** it didnt sound like it was just "okay" when it was happening (͠≖ ͜ʖ͠≖)

 **director-san:** OKAY thats enough talk of that haha  
 **director-san:** ...you know that was my first time  
 **director-san:** for like anything and everything

 **teru-sama:** wHAT?!?1!!

 **director-san:** why is that so surprising?

 **teru-sama:** i-!!!  
 **teru-sama:** do you know how lewd you looked when you told me to fuck your thighs ennoshita

 **director-san:** WELL I  
 **director-san:** I MAY HAVE BEEN INEXPERIENCED BUT IM NOT COMPLETELY ILL-EDUCATED ON THE TOPIC

 **teru-sama:** i mean ( 〃．．)  
 **teru-sama:** you didnt look that inexperienced when you lay yourself down on my bed and put your thighs together 

**director-san:** sTOPpainting the picture!!

 **teru-sama:** its a pretty picture

 **director-san:** dnsDJad@&*@unsauNJnwquD88/[we/!!!

 **teru-sama:** you good?

 **director-san:** yeah sorry my phone fell  
 **director-san:** on my turtle..  
 **director-san:** its not doing so good  
 **director-san:** ill be going now

 **teru-sama:** damn hope your turtle pull through real shit (人*′Д｀*)

* * *

**director-san:** umm

 **futabooty:** omg ennoshita long time no see! (≧▽≦)   
**futabooty:** where have you been old friend?!?! ヽ(°∀°人´ヮ´)ﾉ

 **yaha:** i see the murderer and his partner in crime have decided to show their faces

 **director-san:** I didnt hurt anyone!

 **yaha:** thats what they ALL say 

**(k)akaashi:** If you were not pursuing revenge on Terushima-san yesterday, then what were you doing?

 **yaha:** yeah and why is terushima so quiet? maybe you took his phone and hid it or something so he couldnt call for help..

 **(k)akaashi:** Maybe you gagged him and tied him up somewhere in your house.

 **yaha:** oh-

 **futabooty:** akaashi you terrify me more and more every day

 **(k)akaashi:** Thank you.

 **director-san:** ok, no and NO  
 **director-san:** I just went over to his house to talk.  
 **director-san:** about things

 **yaha:** so you DID go to his house

 **director-san:** yeah...I guess I did

 **yaha:** hmm so  
 **yaha:** this only further proves my point that something happened

 **director-san:** nothing happened!?

 **futabooty:** when was the last time you saw him ennoshita

 **director-san:** ?? um  
 **director-san:** last night  
 **director-san:** after I left his house  
 **director-san:** after we talked

 **yaha:** *after you knocked him unconscious*

 **futabooty:** and was that the last time you SPOKE to him  
 **futabooty:** you said you guys talked right  
 **futabooty:** was there any talking done TODAY (ﾟ∇^*)  
 **futabooty:** like idk maybe a few minutes ago- 

**yaha:** futakuchi why do you sound so suspicious 

**(k)akaashi:** Maybe Futakuchi-san was the actual killer this whole time.

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Why are you guys making it seem like something actually happened to Terushima?

 **yaha:** look im bored as hell and i need some drama in my life

 **shirababy:** no your life is just sad

 **yaha:** things were going just great until you popped up

 **shirababy:** awww im that much of an influence in your life?? im flattered!!  
 **shirababy:** not

 **yaha:** the next time i see you im literally stomping on you

 **shirababy:** ooo im shaking

 **futabooty:** alright calm it down lovebirds aha the sexual tension is suffocating

 **yaha:** yeah the sexual tension between the bottom of my shoe and shirabus face 

**teru-sama:** ive always wanted to fuck that cow from the barnyards movie

 **shirababy:** terushima why the fuck-

 **(k)akaashi:** I see that we are back to our regularly scheduled programming.

 **futabooty:** so many other ways you couldve made your entrance  
 **futabooty:** but same

 **yaha:** can you guys like- not be horny on main rn-

 **shirababy:** terushima and futakuchi i forbid you from talking to me ever again  
 **shirababy:** dont come near my vicinity either  
 **shirababy:** jesus christ

 **futabooty:** aww dont be like that (・´ｪ｀・)

 **shirababy:** no  
 **shirababy:** you just said you wanted to fuck otis from back at the barnyard  
 **shirababy:** you dont deserve rights

 **yaha:** ... why do you know the cows name..

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** *COMICALLY LOUD GASP*  
 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** "the cow"  
 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Dont disrespect otis like this!

 **yaha:** yamamoto not you too..

 **shirababy:** i was only researching shows that had canon trans representation thats all  
 **shirababy:** im not a cow fucker like those two who shall not be named

 **futabooty:** hater

 **yaha:** wait, whos trans?

 **teru-sama:** daddy otis himself <(・∀・)>

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** And his adopted dad yeah?

 **teru-sama:** two thicc daddies ( ´ ii ｀ )

 **shirababy:** stop it

 **yaha:** oh worm? no other choice but to stan

 **futabooty:** werent you just-

 **yaha:** just because i stan doesnt mean i want to FUCK

 **futabooty:** so youre telling me youve never been attracted to a cartoon character before

 **yaha:** not a cartoon ANIMAL no

 **teru-sama:** im about to end this mans whole career  
 **teru-sama:** yahababes dont you remember...

 **yaha:** what

 **teru-sama:** what you told me...  
 **teru-sama:** just a few weeks ago..... (￣￣▽￣￣)

 **yaha:** NO  
 **yaha:** I WAS INTOXICATED  
 **yaha:** THAT DOESNT COUNT

 **teru-sama:** mhmmm

 **yaha:** TERUSHIMA YUUJI DONT YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD

 **teru-sama:** word

 **(k)akaashi:** Are you talking about when Yahaba-san said that he "would doggy style for adult Simba all day, any day."

 **yaha:** YOU WERE THERE!?!?>?.N2JB!JU

 **(k)akaashi:** I'm everywhere.

 **futabooty:** LNCFJZCIZPK   
**futabooty:** YAHABA  
 **futabooty:** YOU WANNA PRESENT FOR SIMBA SO BAD

 **shirababy:** Akaashi, this may mark the end of a long, gruesome war. This was exactly what I needed, thank you for your service. 

**yaha:** SHUT UPPPSALKJSNDSKJN D  
 **yaha:** THIS DOESNT COUNT  
 **yaha:** EVERYONEEE THINKS SIMBA IS HOT  
 **yaha:** BUT OTISSSS?????

 **teru-sama:** i WILL NOT sit here and take this otis slander!! ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡

 **shirababy:** yahaba

 **yaha:** i dont want to speak to you right now

 **shirababy:** yahaba

 **yaha:** please

 **shirababy:** yahaba

 **yaha:** WHAT

 **shirababy:** i wonder what your kouhai would think if they knew you said that

 **yaha:** Dont You Dare

 **shirababy:** or even better  
 **shirababy:** what would oikawa-san think

 **yaha:** Shirabu.  
 **yaha:** Do you really think that you're safe from my wrath?  
 **yaha:** Don't forget that I know things about you as well.

 **shirababy:** oh really like what

 **futabooty:** someone grab the popcorn!!

 **yaha:** Two words, Latte Incident.

 **shirababy:** ...

 **yaha:** Mhmm.

 **teru-sama:** wait wait waitttt whats the latte incident 

**shirababy:** yahaba you better not

 **yaha:** Don't worry, I won't stoop that low as OTHER people do.  
 **yaha:** *coughcoughAKAASHIcough*.

 **(k)akaashi:** I have no regrets.

 **shirababy:** or maybe youre just a coward  
 **shirababy:** wait  
 **shirababy:** no wait that was just a reflex  
 **shirababy:** yahaba

 **yaha:** I saw Shirabu at the 3d latte art cafe getting latte art of Ushijima-san.

 **futabooty:** PPFTTTTTTT

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Big oof...

 **(k)akaashi:** What Yamamoto-san said. 

**teru-sama:** and you guys call ME the creepy one smh  
 **teru-sama:** shirabu how does it feel being the biggest simp in this chat

**_shirababy has left the chat_ **

**_yaha has added shirababy to the chat_ **

**yaha:** No, stay, and get ridiculed as I did.

 **teru-sama:** omg yahababessss stop being so sexy rn (〃ω〃)

 **yaha:** You make me sick.

 **teru-sama:** you also make me sick! （♯▼皿▼）  
 **teru-sama:** love sick（♥￫ｏ￩♥）(●♡∀♡)（♥￫ｏ￩♥）

 **director-san:** I leave for a few minutes...

 **teru-sama:** ennoshita what cartoon animal do you lust for

 **director-san:** excuse me-

 **(k)akaashi:** My past self could never have prepared myself for this conversation topic.  
 **(k)akaashi:**   
**(k)akaashi:** Kovu from Lion King 2.

 **futabooty:** the taste is immaculate ヽ(≧д≦)ノ

 **director-san:** ...  
 **director-san:** idk about you guys  
 **director-san:** but nick from zootopia just hits different

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** LMFAO ENNOSHITA

 **teru-sama:** no no hes right

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** How has no one said Scar yet?

 **futabooty:** FUCK SCAR LIVES

 **director-san:** Scar was the cause of one of the most traumatic experiences ive ever had so no

 **T(I)GER (OF THE):** Damn :(

 **(k)akaashi:** No, Yamamoto-san has a point. Scar has that alluring sex appeal going for him.

 **teru-sama:** yes akaashi we already know you have a thing for big evil cats (=｀ω´=)

 **shirababy:** you all disgust me

 **futabooty:** shirabu how did your ushijima-latte taste? was it smooth and creamy? was it everything you ever dreamed of and more?

 **shirababy:** i hope you choke on my cock and die

 **futabooty:** jesus  
 **futabooty:** and ennoshita said you were sweet (¬､¬)

 **(k)akaashi:** Oh? Whats this now.

 **yaha:** when did ennoshita call shirabu sweet? sounds fake to me

 **director-san:** um I call everyone sweet so  
 **director-san:** its no big deal

 **teru-sama:** youve never called me sweet before

 **director-san:** well

 **teru-sama:** oh come on  
 **teru-sama:** pretty pleasee (ʃƪ˘･ᴗ･˘)

 **director-san:** do I have to

 **teru-sama:** yes i dont make the rules (๑o̴̶̷̥᷅﹏o̴̶̷̥᷅๑)

 **director-san:** *sigh*  
 **director-san:** youre very sweet terushima

 **teru-sama:** (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ (๑♡⌓♡๑) (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ (๑♡⌓♡๑) 

**yaha:** now that we all unwillingly witnessed whatever that was

 **futabooty:** i thought it was cute

 **director-san:** you also said that you wanted to fuck otis from back to the barnyard so does your opinion really matter

 **futabooty:** listen zootopia

 **yaha:** lets just forget this whole conversation okay  
 **yaha:** for what its worth, im just glad no one said they wanted to fuck one of the teenage ninja turtles or something

 **teru-sama:** ....

 **yaha:** no

 **teru-sama:** ok but hear me out-

**_yaha has removed teru-sama from the chat_ **

**futabooty:** damn let the man speak his mind

 **yaha:** youre next

 **futabooty:** *sad bi noises*

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't even MEAN for half of the content in this chapter to happen, it just happened? like I was writing and then I started thinking about Otis for some reason and here we are? im sorry?? 
> 
> sike no im not.
> 
> also, this took me over an hour to format.. feeling in my right hand? sleep?? idk her


End file.
